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19 Year Old Diebold
Technician Wins U.S. Presidency
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News
Editor
Washington, D.C., November 5, 2008
In
a dramatic development that has come as a surprise to pundits and the
public alike, a youthful technician with Diebold, Inc. has emerged as
the unlikely winner of the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. The
president-elect, 19 year old Billy Pustule of Green, Ohio, reached via
SMS at the garage apartment by his mother's house in which he currently
resides, said he was "real psyched about being the president" and "had
big plans for the inauguration party".
Veteran political observers
including Seymour Shackleton of the Miami-Dade Political Coroner have
expressed what amounts to sheer disbelief at the unanticipated outcome.
"To
my knowledge, this is the first presidential election in American
history won by an entirely unknown write-in candidate," Mr. Shackleton
said. "No one seems to have even heard of Billy Pustule. A Google of
his name turns up only five listings, all of them Amazon.com
reader comments on anthologies of 19th century erotic cartoons. How the
president-elect managed to build a sufficiently large grass-roots
groundswell to clinch the election while operating in complete
anonymity is, frankly, beyond me."
President-elect Pustule said
he "has always been kind of interested in politics because of my job",
a service technician and junior programmer at Diebold, Inc., the
primary manufacturer of electronic voting machines in the United
States. Tamper-proof Diebold electro
nic voting machines have figured prominently in recent U.S. elections,
particularly those elections in which outsider candidates sharing a
political affiliation with Diebold executives have won by bafflingly
wide margins.
According
to the official electronic tally, compiled and certified by Diebold
voting engineers, President-elect Pustule won an impressive 59.6% of
the popular vote nationwide, the strongest showing ever received by a
write-in candidate. He was followed by 38% for Democratic candidate
Hillary Rodham Clinton, and 28.6% for Republican candidate Bill Frist.
The fact that the totals exceed 100% has been attributed by a Diebold
spokesman to "a special kind of rounding".
President-elect
Pustule said he was still working on his platform, but that he had "a
lot of ideas about making acne medication cheaper and also making
thongs required in more places". When asked about his thoughts
regarding the continuing U.S. involvement in the Iraqi civil war, Mr.
Pustul
e said he was "not sure exactly where that is. Is that in Iowa?"
Howard
Wolfson, a spokesman for losing Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham
Clinton, said "It's pretty obvious there were election irregularities
here. Believe me, we're going to get to the bottom of them just as soon
as I'm done playing with this karaoke machine. You like Joe Jackson?"
Losing Republican candidate Bill Frist also expressed concern that the
democratic process may have been "tainted".
"You
ever play poker with a big group of guys," he said, "and your partner's
the dealer, and he slips you a beautiful quartet of aces without
anybody noticing, and you've done this all a bunch of times before so
you're feeling pretty confident and play all in, and then some other
guy flips over a straight flush? Well, that's about how I'm feeling
right about now."
President-elect Pustule has already submitted
a request to outgoing president George W. Bush for an early
inauguration, as he is "anx
ious to get out of his mom's garage, which has a major ant problem."
President Bush, who has remained sequestered at his Crawford, Texas
estate since his approval ratings dropped below the 10% level in May,
was unavailable for comment.
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